


New Year’s Resolutions with Anthony J Crowley: 5 (+ 1) Simple Changes for a More Demonic You!

by loveneedlesandhay



Series: Wicked Living: A Lifestyle Blog by Anthony J Crowley [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), canon-compliant? ish?, crowley does not give good advice about how to be a demon, crowley writes a blog post about new years resolutions, i have no idea what to tag this, includes intentionally terrible illustrations!, ironic use of exclamation points!, kinda 5+1 if you squint, metaliterature!, satire!, this is yet another metaliterary fic by me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveneedlesandhay/pseuds/loveneedlesandhay
Summary: You’re probably thinking this sounds like a lot of work. It takes so much time to commit evil deeds. It’s so hard to work out what is and isn’t a sin anymore, and the most foolproof dastardly plan can backfire and accidentally cause a net positive effect in the world. All that is true - but the beauty of this regimen, though, is that all the resolutions are just small adjustments to your own everyday habits! There’s no complications or cockups when it’s just you involved! Make these few simple lifestyle changes for your New Year’s Resolutions, and be at least 279% more demonic, today.AKA: New Years Resolution suggestions by one Anthony J Crowley.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Wicked Living: A Lifestyle Blog by Anthony J Crowley [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2104008
Comments: 25
Kudos: 63





	New Year’s Resolutions with Anthony J Crowley: 5 (+ 1) Simple Changes for a More Demonic You!

**Author's Note:**

> A very silly idea occurred to me because of the Flaming Like Anything discord and it turned into this. I'm sorry.
> 
> All illustrations in this fic are by me, and are also intentionally bad. I can't actually do GOOD digital illustrations, but I can do bad on purpose.
> 
> (By the way, Flaming Like Anything Vol. 2 ([tumblr here](https://flaminglikeanythingzine.tumblr.com); [big cartel here](https://flaminglikeanything.bigcartel.com)) is available for preorder! I'm in it! There's a lot of very funny and very steamy (definitely NSFW) writing and beautiful art in it! )

* * *

New Year’s Resolutions with Anthony J Crowley: 5 (+ 1) Simple Changes for a **More Demonic You!**

_January 2, 2021_

_by Anthony J Crowley_

* * *

Look, let’s face it. December is not a good time to convince anyone that you’re an appropriately wicked demon. You and me, we know that you’re not being _nice_ when you give your angel presents! You’re nurturing his _greed_! And you’re only putting up all those decorations so that you can torture your neighbours with cheerful lights at every time of day. You’re buying snow globes and ornaments and cards and wrapping paper and loud toys for random children to perpetuate excessive consumerism, encourage the production of more shiny waste, and drive adults crazy. When you give extra tips to your baristas and bartenders and servers and postal workers, that’s just propping up the failures of late-stage capitalism. Oh, and knitting scarves and draping them over branches in a park with notes that say “Take me if you need me! I’m here to help you keep warm!” is _definitely_ littering.

But you _are_ wicked. You are the most _fiendish_ fiend you know. You are diabolical and chaotic and ~~naughty~~ malevolent, and with just a few simple steps, you can remind yourself, your acquaintances, your friends, and your loathed ones that you are _fearsome_ and _dreadful_.

You’re probably thinking this sounds like a lot of work. It takes so much _time_ to commit evil deeds. It’s so hard to work out what is and isn’t a sin anymore, and the most foolproof dastardly plan can backfire and accidentally cause a net positive effect in the world. All that is true - but the beauty of _this_ regimen, though, is that all the resolutions are just small adjustments to your own everyday habits! There’s no complications or cockups when it’s just you involved! Make these few simple lifestyle changes for your New Year’s Resolutions, and be at least 279% more demonic, today.

* * *

The **More Demonic You** Regimen: Simple Swaps to Boost Your Badness

* * *

  1. **Evilify your laugh.**



A good evil laugh is absolutely essential, whether it’s a maniacal cackle, menacing chortle, ordisturbing giggle. Your evil laugh should of course be unique to you—it’s like a signature.

However, it can take time to get your evil laugh to sound just right—and how many people _actually_ laugh out loud that much, anyway? Sure, it happens on occasion, so it’s worth the time and effort it takes to find your laugh (I highly recommend recording yourself laughing in different ways while wearing your most evil outfit. Later, watch and critique each variation with a friend!). But for the rest of the time, you’ll need an evil written laugh! Fortunately, this is the easiest step—just change from “hahaha” to “ahahah”! You will immediately seem 113% more evil to everyone you text, email, or argue with on the internet! ****

  1. **Enbadden your name.**



First impressions matter, and if people don’t hear your name for the first time and think “Oh, that’s _bad_ ,” then you’re wasting an opportunity. There’s lots of ways to make your name a little more wicked. Add confusing spelling or a suitably intimidating title! Or _don’t_ use a title you’re entitled to use, but always make sure to obnoxiously clarify that you don’t use the title because you’re so annoyingly humble! If you’ve got a bad-sounding nickname, you can insist on going by that (but make sure it’s actually demonic and not just cringe-y). If you want to go the subtle route, add a wicked-sounding middle name!

_ Image description: Snek!Crowley reads a thesaurus (which has a picture of a dinosaur saying "Words Rawr" on the cover), looking for suitably intimidating words for his new middle name. In a word bubble, he says to himself "Jangerous? Jevil? Jemonic? Jeinous? Janger? Jazard? Jrouble? Oooo, Jeopardy, that's it! Anthony Jeopardy Crowley!" _

  1. **Bring back the calling card (slash business card)**



Calling cards and business cards were once essential to polite behaviour, a social life, and career success. They’re also completely unnecessary in the era of mobile phones. Thus, they are inherently diabolical—expensive, wasteful bits of paper, plastic, and foil that make extra work for the recipient! If someone wants to know how to spell your name? Give them a card. They want your number? You could put it in their mobile, or you could give them a card so they have to do it later. They want you to send them an email so you can continue a conversation? Give them a card instead!

Pro tip: always _insist_ that they keep the card (“Oh, no, it’s yours, I’ve got plenty!). If they hold on to it, they have to have to figure out what to do with and how to keep track of an annoyingly-thick, useless card, and if they throw it away, they feel guilty about it!

_ Image description: A black gradient business card bearing the name Anthony J Crowley in black, difficult-to-read text. The font is, of course, Comic Sans. _

  1. **But make it _heinous_.**



The calling and or business card is already sinister, but with just a little one-time effort, you can make it completely despicable—and what’s better, if you do it right, people will _think_ that they’re impressed even when they’re actually inconvenienced even more! All you have to do is come up with a terrible design for your card. Think: bad colour combinations, terrible font choices, razor-sharp corners, excessively aggressive embossing. Super-shiny black is always in style, especially when paired with matte black text! You’re sure to hear “This is such a classy, posh card” while they’re squinting and trying to make out your name! Add holographic foil or an optical illusion to make it even harder to read! Always remember, the more work the other person has to do to get the information they asked for, the more demonic you are.

  1. **Terrify fools into submission.**



It’s time for a hard dose of realism: no matter how hard you try, no matter how innately demonic you are, humans are still humans, and they don’t always have the sense to be intimidated when they should. When that happens—when they fail to tremble before you with the fear you deserve—always remember that this is _not_ your fault.

**_You are still a demon_.**

**Scenario: Imagine that you tell a human your awesome new middle name, and they dare to laugh.** The best way to handle a situation like this is to cling to the thought in the previous paragraph. Make it your mantra, and use it to guide your response. Centre yourself in your demonic identity, and be as one with your inner wickedness. Then channel your wicked demonic essence into freaking thefoolish human out! Shape shift your face to reveal your horrifying, dripping, fanged maw! Hiss every time they say something! Bare your teeth and growl at them and just keep growling until they walk away! Challenge them to a staring contest, get rid of your human eyelids, and keep playing until they cry!

_ Image description: A foolish mortal (stick figure) says "Anthony Jeopardy Crowley?! Oh, I love that show! Were your parents fans?" Snek!Crowley responds "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS." _

(Important note: if the being refusing to acknowledge your wickedness is a bastard angel, none of the above strategies will work. It’s better to just rearrange his bookshop or advertisea post-holiday sale on the InstaTwitFace account he doesn’t know exists. This _will_ lead to retaliation unless you manage to distract him with wine and chocolates quickly enough).

**+1 Bonus!**

Of course, you can make these changes at any time of year—they don’t _have_ to be New Year’s Resolutions. However, this is actually an extra bonus demonise-er-ing, er, thing! That’s right—if you get started right now on the **More Demonic You** regimen, you can actually use the time of year to amplify your diabolical impression. All you have to do is talk all the time about your New Year’s Resolutions! Make sure you mention how well your new habits are going at least once in every conversation. Tag every social media post “#NewYearNewMe” even if the subject matter has nothing to do with your resolutions! Call up a random friend to ask if they want advice about what resolutions they should pick, since you’re such an expert!

_ Image description: Author Anthony J Crowley's glamourous serious author portrait _

_ (you can tell he's a serious author because he's looking over his shoulder) _


End file.
